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Simple Resolutions: Getting Better at Leadership this Year

Simple Resolutions: Getting Better at Leadership this Year

by | Apr 10, 2023 | Workplace Emotions

“TBOG…My new year’s resolution is to be a more patient manager. But when I told my team members, they reminded me that I had made the same resolution last year. It punctured my resolve and guilt set in. I feel like a failure, even though somewhere in my heart I know I’ve become a better manager over the past year.”

— Reina

 

While Reina struggles with self-regulation, she is actually an awesome manager. Her perfectionist tendencies make it difficult for her to keep calm when things are not done decently and in order so she has tried to improve her threshold for patience without lashing out. My initial response to Reina was that not many managers could boast of a structure as psychologically safe as hers. The level of communication Reina shares with the team she manages is quite interesting and it is the basis of my contemplations. How many managers are able to stay accountable to those they are designed to lead? And how many are able to withstand honest feedback that does not involve massaging one’s ego?

 

Quite a number of people stopped making New Year’s Resolutions a long time ago because they realized that they end up making the same resolutions year in and year out without the desired changes! But the fact that this happens does not in any way mean that you’re a failure. If anything, it shows how human you are. How willing you are to be better than you were. It means that you’re moving in the right direction and you’re willing to keep “becoming” until you “are”. But it also means that you’re not perfect. Yep! You’re not perfect. Fortunately, no one is.

 

Unfortunately, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you that you will not be perfect either this year. The good news, however, is you don’t have to be! Your team members do not need perfection from you their manager. What they need is a manager who is empathetic to their imperfections and is kind to them all the same. Your team members need you to model kindness and respect, and you both [i.e. you and your team members] should not be afraid to apologize and reconnect when things go wrong, as they will inevitably do.

 

This is no mean feat. You’ll have to master the art of regulating your own emotions especially if you’re a perfectionist. It is why it’s tough to work to resolve to stay “patient”. By the time you’re cautioning yourself to be patient, you’re most likely already in a “fight or flight” stance. But if you do want to become a more patient manager [or leader] and a joyful individual irrespective of what comes your way, it is possible. To create an organizational culture that is less drama-filled and full of love, here are four simple resolutions you can do right now. These tips are lifelong tools so you won’t be perfect in a year and that’s OK. You’re likely to make the same resolutions next year and that’s OK too. Here’s one thing I can guarantee though, you’ll be a more tranquil manager with cheerful and cooperative team members.

 

 

1. Become more in touch with your emotions by resolving to regulate them.

With the hustle and bustle of life and the everyday pendulum swing of work and life balance, it is so easy to get caught up in the ‘automation’ of behaviour that we forget to pause just to check how we’re doing — spirit, soul and body. The only way to become better and more patient this year is to be in touch with your emotions. Using the S.T.O.P. Principle as a strategy, you can become more self-aware. The STOP principle is an invaluable tool not only for managers but also for parents. So, if you have children trying your patience at home, this tool works perfectly for you as well.

 

If you want to be an emotionally generous manager then you have to constantly stay in touch with your emotions. The more stressors you’re able to eliminate, the more in tune with your emotions you can be. You can begin by making self-nurturing a daily habit: have a steady sleep routine so that you’re well rested in the morning, eat healthy so that you have adequate energy to run your day, replace negative inner thoughts and critics with positive affirmations, be kind to yourself even when you make mistakes, and don’t overwork yourself, it’s OK to take breaks. When you reduce the risk of being grumpy by eliminating or reducing stress inducers to the barest minimum, you’ll stand a better chance at regulating your emotions.

 

Every time you successfully restrain yourself from throwing a “tantrum” in response to an upsetting situation, you rewire your brain. And it positions you to do better in future situations. I can assure you that it may be the hardest thing you’ll ever do but you’ll be surprised at how possible it is and how rewarding it is. When you give in to the “fight or flight” nature that comes with impatience, you will see your team members as the enemy whereas they’re not. As long as you can refrain from taking any form of action when angry, you’re doing a great job at regulating your emotions. Here’s one hint I’ll leave with you — regulating your emotions is the best way to get your team members to “change” their behaviour.

 

 “regulating your emotions is the best way to get your team members to “change” their behaviour.”

 

2. Commit to staying emotionally connected.

Your ability to connect before you correct will stand you out as a manager. This is primarily because people are more inclined to allow themselves to get led by you when they feel a connection to you. Of course, staying connected at all times is quite impossible. There will be moments of disconnect but when those separations happen, you’ll have to repeatedly reconnect. The reason this is key is that employee loyalty is born from a place of deep emotional connection to the organization and most employees interpret this connection through the lens of their relationship with their managers. So, when you correct your team members over an issue in a psychologically safe atmosphere, it becomes difficult for them to view that correction as an attack on their person. They will see it for what it truly is — an expectation and invitation to be better and do better. Of course, in this kind of work atmosphere, your chances of lashing out become even more reduced and corrections are done with empathy. Leadership is not difficult when you do this. Even if your team members disagree with your instructions, it becomes easy to disagree in an emotionally safe atmosphere.

“connecting before correcting will make it difficult for your team members to view your correction as an attack on their person. They will rather see it for what it truly is — an expectation and invitation to be better and do better.”

 

3. Respect must be modelled at all times.

As managers, we kind of feel that “we know what’s best” for our team. And we’re not wrong about that because we do know what’s best for them, after all, that’s why we are managers in the first place. It’s just that we’re also not right about ‘knowing what’s best for them’ in its totality because they are the ones handling the nitty-gritty of the assignment. Therefore, they also know what’s best for them. This is usually where power struggles come in and a manager might lash out when a team member is not executing tasks in the particular manner one is used to. In response, a team member can decide to be docile while waiting on instructions before executing tasks but this defeats the purpose of having a team in the first place as innovation, ingenuity and brilliant ideas will be lost.

You should realize that leadership is a partnership and until you realize at all times that the privilege of managing a team is only possible because your team members are willing to be managed by you, you might have constant ‘fights’. The best organizations and the most efficiently oiled teams are those who understand this partnership. How do you deal with partnerships? Respect! Managers must learn to respect team members no matter how low the ranks they are. We must show them consideration and treat them as we will like to be treated. We must remember that we are their models and they are likely to emulate our behaviour when interacting with other team members lower in rank than they are. So, when you speak condescendingly to those you manage, they’ll treat others [clients inclusive] in the same condescending manner especially if they cannot get back at you. Of course, this will stifle productivity and hinder growth. Toxic organizations are cultivated in this manner. To develop an organizational culture of respect, kindness and generosity, you must model it.

“Managers must learn to respect team members no matter how low the ranks they are.”

 

4. Investigate your team member’s behaviour to find out what needs and feelings are driving it.

Some time ago, I trained some parents on the topic — defiance is just a cry for help — and it was humbling to see how understanding and remorse dawned on their faces. I think that the same principle applies in the workplace. Sometimes, some team members are not performing below acceptable standards because they choose to. Sometimes, there is another problem [often emanating from work-life imbalance] that’s affecting productivity at work. I have seen this play out many times in my dealings with clients and I have come to a conclusion [that’s also data driven] that a breakdown in one aspect of life can directly affect productivity at work. Underperformance can sometimes be a cry for help and misbehaviours, a red flag that screams, “I need help to process my emotions”. This is one place where your ability to connect with your team members deeply will help you know when to redirect preemptively rather than punish and to set limits empathically.

 

Summary:

I should give you fair warning though. You’ll make mistakes. Your team members will too. But that’s OK. There are no perfect managers anywhere in the world. There are no perfect team members too neither are there perfect organizations. Perfection is a journey we all must walk. It is not a destination. Despite the mistakes you’re guaranteed to make when you create a psychologically safe work environment, everyone will thrive. Love means when you make mistakes, you own up to them and make amends. The only way to improve your resolution for the year is to make daily choices that take you in the direction you wish. Build a club for managers if you have to so that you can all hold yourselves accountable. 2023 can be for you a year of constant correction, forgiving yourself when you slip up and getting back on track when life throws you off. So, don’t feel troubled if you’re making the same resolutions year in and year out. It only means that you’re deliberate about growth and you’re choosing over and over to take positive steps in the right direction. You’ll be surprised at how much growth you’ll accomplish and how far you’ll go. Your resolutions can make you manage with less drama and more love. Don’t give up!

 

 

Personal Note From TBOG:

If these resolutions sound too humongous, that just means you need more support. It’s a new tax year and you can very well make it a new year for you. For me, April is the beginning of my new year maybe because it coincides with my birth month. So, if you haven’t made your resolutions yet, it’s not too late to begin. Have you thought of subscribing to my newsletter which gives you a wealth of resources to transform your work-life? Giving yourself support is not selfish. It’s the best gift you could give yourself and your family. I also have a self-paced parenting Online Course that can transform your family. Using this link, you will have a 30-day free access to the course. I encourage you to take advantage of this. Thank you for all the hard work you do, every day, in your places of work and at home. I’m honoured to accompany you on your workplace and parenting journey, and I look forward to supporting you in making this new quarter the best yet for you and your family. 

How To Make a Fight With Your Partner Into a Positive Learning Experience for Your Child

How To Make a Fight With Your Partner Into a Positive Learning Experience for Your Child

by | Apr 4, 2023 | Parenting

“Hello TBOG, in your last email, I noticed that you advocated that parents should not fight in front of their children because it makes the children anxious. But I read somewhere else that fighting is fine as long as you ‘make up’ afterwards and the children see that.”

 

…And that’s quite true! In the book titled, NurtureShock: New Thinking about Children, by science journalists Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, a Professor of Psychology, Mark Cummings, was reported stating that as long as parents “made up” with each other afterwards, the children easily recovered from the incident. But Mark Cummings who actually carried out the research emphasized that this was only so if the parents were disagreeing, not yelling, so there were no raised voices, insults, or disrespect involved.

 

However, when such fights come with yelling or blatant disrespect, children do get anxious and it’s interesting to know that Mark Cummings had in previous research established that when these fights are recurring, they are damaging to children. He was also curious to know whether normal conflicts were a problem. So, he observed children’s reactions as their parents disagreed without yelling. It turned out that even these plain old ‘simple’ conflicts were quite upsetting to children. So yes, even non-yelling disagreements where parents are in conflict are hard on children.

 

Thankfully though, when the children also watched their parents resolve the arguments, they were fine afterwards. I think children learn critical lifelong lessons from watching their parents disagree [respectfully] and mend ways as soon as possible. The key lesson in this is that whenever you have any kind of disagreement with your spouse with your children present, even if it’s without yelling, ensure that you fondly and deliberately amend that relationship right there in their presence.

 

These are some scenarios where parents’ “fighting” can actually serve as a positive learning experience for your child::

 

  1. One parent snaps at the other, then immediately reassesses the situation and corrects his/her behaviour by saying…

“I’m so sorry. I’m just feeling stressed and I’m taking it out on you. Can we try that all over? What I meant to say was…”

Children learn from this modelling that anyone can get angry, but that it’s essential to take responsibility for our own emotions, apologize, and reconnect. You’ll in time see your child start to reassess, apologize and course-correct, too.

 

  1. In the event of a difference of opinion, parents should work through it without getting triggered and raising their voices.

For instance, if you and your spouse have a good-natured discussion about who should clean the toilet or whether to press the toothpaste from the bottom or top, the lesson your child learns is that humans can live together with different needs and opinions, listen to each other, and make a decision that is convenient for all – all in a respectful and affectionate manner.

 

  1. When parents notice that they are approaching a hotbed of dissension and a conflict is brewing, they can agree to discuss it later.

All things being equal, this happens before there’s any yelling [otherwise you’ll be modelling yelling] and hopefully, you can close the interaction with a big hug. If you’re too upset, you can take some time to cool off using the S.T.O.P. principle then prioritize hugging your spouse in front of your child, with a family mantra like “It’s okay to get upset. You can be angry at someone and still love them at the same time. In our family, we always work things out.” This takes a great deal of maturity, but it models self-regulation and self-leadership. And this is crucial to restoring your child’s sense of safety.

 

 

Refraining from yelling and being respectful is not only good for our children but it’s best for our relationship, too. Anger is not a negative emotion, it is a message to us about what we need. Our job is to pay attention clearly enough to understand that need and articulate it respectfully. There’s always a way to ask for what we need without attacking the other person. It’s never appropriate to dump anger on another person, whether in front of your children or not.

 

I know that it’s not so easy to do. You’re right if you think so particularly because most of us never learned how to manage our own emotions, express our needs without attacking. We weren’t taught how to handle conflict in a healthy way. It is why I am always grateful for the lessons our children compel us to learn, unlearn and relearn. Every couple can learn healthy conflict resolution. And you can repair things with your children if you’ve been fighting in front of them.

 

Summary:

The bottom line is that all couples have disagreements, but parents yelling is always scary to children. Children will recover just fine if parents handle their disagreements with respect and good will, looking for solutions instead of passing blames. However, when we yell or show disrespect to children, it poses an emotional risk factor, and apologizing does not mitigate the problem.

 

 

 

 

Message From TBOG:

If this article was helpful, I encourage you to share with your friends and on your social media pages. Please feel free to write me as I thoroughly enjoy reading from you. You can invite your friends to join our mailing list by sharing this link with them https://bit.ly/TSAGEandTBOGnewsletter

Also, it’s my birthday month and I am celebrating with you by issuing this coupon code just for this month so that you can have access to our online self-paced and lifelong parenting course. Click here to get yours today!

 

 

 

When You Fight In Front Of Your Children, Here’s How To Do Damage Control

When You Fight In Front Of Your Children, Here’s How To Do Damage Control

by | Mar 6, 2023 | Adolescence, Parenting

 

“The other night, my husband and I argued at dinner in front of the children. My five-year–old son yelled at us to ‘Keep quiet!’ … My three-year–old had a tough time going to bed, which is unusual for her. Could this have had anything to do with mommy and daddy arguing?”

 

In every kind of human relationship, conflict is an inevitable consequence. Even as individuals, we sometimes have conflicts within ourselves or with our members. A basic litmus test is this: how often has your tongue been bit by your teeth? If this is an occurrence you’ve experienced more than 5 times in your life, why should conflict with others and your spouse, in particular, be any surprise? If you have children, chances are quite high that some of those conflicts will happen in the presence of your children. This brings up an important question:

“When you argue with your spouse, does it hurt your child?”

Many experts had dispelled such fears and reassured parents that there is no damage done in children watching their parents fight as long as they get to witness the reconciliation afterwards. However, recent findings in neurological research debunk that notion. Predictably, when children witness angry yelling, their stress hormones shoot up. Infants are not spared in this too. Actually, an infant can register angry, loud and upsetting voices while asleep and will experience a surge of stress hormones that take time to decline.

 

Therefore, research already confirms what children can tell you without any shadow of doubt, which is that they find it terrifying to hear adults screaming at each other. Parents are a child’s first source and model of security. When that security is threatened, the world seems out of control and becomes a scary place for the child. Because the stress hormones stay in the body for hours afterward, children become anxious long after the yelling spree is over, making it difficult for them to fall asleep. Since children can’t seek comfort from the arguing adults, they bottle up their fears. Unfortunately, as with all emotions, bottled emotions are bound to cause them to act out with anxiety, defiance, and misbehaviour.

 

One of the worst consequences of witnessing parents yell at each other is the unintended message it signals to the child that when adults have disagreements, yelling is the “grown-up” way to deal with it. But that begs the question, is it altogether bad for parents to disagree in the presence of their children?

 

A straightforward answer is “NO!”

 

It’s actually a learning curve for children to see adults disagree with each other in a respectful way and state opinions without denigrating another person’s point of view. In other words, children benefit a great deal from observing healthy disagreements. Even in moments where tempers escalate, if you’re able to resolve things swiftly and your children are able to closely follow how you repair and reconnect, you’re modelling the resilience of relationships.

 

By all means, please go ahead and work through mild differences that will come up with your spouse in front of your children. However, you must remember that as soon as your disagreement degenerates into outright disrespect or full-blown yelling, you’re completely out of the healthy zone. At this point, it is best to postpone the conversation to behind closed doors and agree on a “safe word” that either of you can use when either of you gets triggered during discussions. You can choose a code word or phrase that says something like “I love you but this is getting too hot to handle with the children here; Let’s come back to this later.”

 

The trick is to ensure that you infuse humour as soon as things start to get heated and end the “public” phase of your discussion with a bear hug because your children can detect that drop in the emotional temperature of the home. Doing this will help them relax and understand that no matter how tumultuous a conversation is, you’re both still very committed to working things out positively. You’ll help them feel safe. That brings us to the next question: What if you’ve fought with your partner in front of your child and you were all out yelling and disrespectful in the things you said and did?

 

Don’t fret! The risk factor for the child comes from repeated experiences. So, you must ensure that this form of communication is not the norm in your home.

 

Try this experiment: Take a look at the way you interact with your spouse through the eyes of your child over the next few days. The purpose of this experiment is to assess your communication through your child’s perspective:

  • Does your tone stay respectful even when you disagree?
  • Do your voices stay at a calm level?
  • Do you both find a way to express your wants and needs without “attacking” each other?
  • Is the tone in your home generally one of warmth and support?
  • Does your child see daily substantial evidence of emotional generosity on both sides?
  • Do you make a point of “making up” in front of your child?
  • Are there at least ten positive interactions for every negative interaction?

 

Summary:

Studies have proven that these practices are not only good for your spousal relationship but also for the parent-child relationship. As your child observes and learns from these healthy connections and disagreements, these practices are ingrained in their behaviour as well. In subsequent articles, I will show you how to turn a fight with your spouse into a positive learning experience for your child and the tools you could utilize to ensure healthy conflict resolution.

 

 

 

Personal Note from TBOG:

As we celebrate Women’s History Month and International Women’s Day, I encourage you to share with your friends and on your social media pages if you found this article helpful.  I am very committed to celebrating the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women in the best way I can, which is why I am issuing this coupon code, HAPPYWOMENSDAY, to every woman out there to access our online parenting course for FREE in the month of March! Use the link to gain access immediately;  https://www.udemy.com/course/engaging-the-world-of-adolescence/?couponCode=HAPPYWOMENSDAY

Please feel free to write me. I thoroughly enjoy reading from you. You can invite your friends to join our mailing list by sharing this link with them https://bit.ly/TSAGEandTBOGnewsletter. 

 

 

The Secret of Not Yelling When You’re Having a Bad Day

The Secret of Not Yelling When You’re Having a Bad Day

by | Feb 1, 2023 | Parenting

“I’ve tried really hard not to yell at my children. But sometimes I just can’t avoid it. I yell so hard, and then I feel so guilty afterwards. I know it isn’t really about what my children are doing, it’s just me, having a hard day and transferring the frustrations. Is it really possible to stop yelling? What’s the secret?” — Vivienne

 

 It is practicable to stop yelling and I can assure you that thousands of parents do it, some of whom I have personally engaged. The secret to this is empathy. I am not just talking about empathy for your children but empathy and compassion for yourself as well. Being emotionally generous is impossible when you are stressed, running on an empty emotional charge, or feeling inadequate. You know how dramatic you become when you’re stressed, how heightened your emotions become and how in that state everything seems worse. But when you get calm, you see with logic and reason and you’re able to respond without yelling. On the days you feel irritable, realize that it’s a part of your humanity. There’s no need to feel shame and there’s no need to blame anyone. Here’s a creative way to view this. Put yourself in the driver’s seat and imagine your irritation as a blinking light on your dashboard, when you notice it, do you ignore the light, and pull out the wire to stop the light from blinking or do you park your car somewhere safe to check it out? I bet you went with parking your car, yeah? That’s exactly what irritation is, a blinking light to inform you that something is off.

 

Which of these reactions are you prone to when your child is acting out in a manner you think is inappropriate:

  1. You try harder to control their behaviour even if you end up yelling.
  2. You beat yourself up for not being good enough as a parent. [Of course, you end up yelling less but this is a sure ticket to guilt-lane.]
  3. You swallow those upsetting feelings and numb the emotions. [The problem with this is that these pent-up emotions burst out later in a totally different way.]
  4. You are grateful for the “signal” and you use the opportunity to check in with your emotions so that you can figure out how to return yourself to a state where you can be emotionally generous to your child.

 

I bet you agree that option 4 seems like the best answer. I need you to see your irritation as a message that’s prompting you to engage in immediate acts of self-care so as not to break down emotionally and resort to yelling and rageful reactions that will most definitely make you feel remorseful afterwards. I am asked why yelling seems like a big deal in parenting, after all, some of us were yelled at repeatedly while growing up and still turned out right. It’s a big deal because our definition of “turned out right” is flawed. How many of us yelled at as children can now boast of a high-quality relationship with our parents? How many feel safe enough to be vulnerable with them? How many of us can control our rage when responding to triggering situations? How many of us dealt with self-esteem issues? Research shows that children who are yelled at regularly are more predisposed to develop anxiety, depression and behaviour problems including physical aggression. If you have the opportunity to break a negative cycle in order to position your child for a life of zero tendencies to depression and anxiety or self-esteem issues, will you not take it? So, on those tough days when you feel irritable, do these:

 

 

1. Slow Down. Drop whatever agenda you have for the moment and just breathe.

You need to remind yourself to calm down so that you don’t get hijacked by the fight or flight response system that’s present with big emotions like anger or rage. In the fight or flight response system, you’re likely to react emotionally rather than respond logically but to parent appropriately, logic is what will help you overcome yelling. So, when you feel that outburst coming, take a few deep breaths and watch how that simple exercise will help move you from the illusion of emergency created by your brain to focusing on the present moment. Taking this pause before taking any action can save you tons of regret.

 

2. Engage Thankfulness:

Sometimes, after taking deep breaths your emotions are still running wild. Your best bet is to distract yourself from those raging thoughts by focusing on gratitude. What are those things you’re grateful for? What do you have to be thankful for? Yes, your son stole the keys to your car and crashed it. It wasn’t insured and it’s going to cost an arm and a leg to get it repaired but he’s alive and no one else got hurt, that’s something to be grateful for. Gratitude helps secrete happy hormones that help disengage you from that state of emergency. It relaxes you and positions your body to be calm. Your best response is given in a state of calm. Gratitude gives you that emotional atmosphere.

 

3. Observe Your Emotions:

Your frontal cortex is the seat for logical thinking and when you’re calm, that’s the portion of your brain in charge of decision-making. If you still feel that urgent need to act then I can assure you that you’re still in that state of emergency — the fight or flight response — and your prefrontal cortex is not in charge. If it’s in a dangerous situation, set whatever limits you need as patiently as possible. But save the discipline for later. Whatever lessons you need to teach your child are best done while you’re calm. Children cannot learn properly when they’re upset and if you are upset, they will become upset too. The most important lesson you can teach your child at this moment is self-regulation, and you do that by modelling. Every time your frontal cortex overrides your emotional upset, you’re rewiring your brain, so it gets easier to regulate yourself. The concept of “practice makes perfect” is very true in this instance. And every time you tolerate upsetting feelings, accepting them without taking action, you’re working through old unfinished emotional business, so you don’t get triggered as often as you would have.

 

4. Plan Your Response:

Your response should be rooted in compassion and empathy to get the best results. As parents, we have wrongly believed that it’s our duty to take care of others while waiting for others to take care of us. But that’s not true. Only you can give yourself the love and care you deserve. In order to properly parent your children, you must learn to parent yourself. Otherwise, how can you give what you do not have? When we call ourselves “grown ups”, we are simply saying that we own up to taking up the responsibility to nurture ourselves, so that we can act like a grown-up when our children act childish. And you do this by not responding emotionally. So don’t forget to give yourself a hug (literally) when you need one. Love yourself with all your heart. Ask yourself today: What can I do right now to return myself to a state of love and well-being?

If you need a big change — more sleep, or exercise — make a plan to create it. Write a promise to yourself, post it where you can see it, and keep to it. If it’s something you can’t do until later, set a time when you will do it. There are times when you will flop so each time you find yourself starting to raise your voice, you can stop, breathe, and say,

“I’m so sorry! that’s my crankiness talking not me. Let’s try that again. Here’s what I meant to say, Sweetie, I need it to be quiet right now. Can you please go outside to play this game?”

If you find yourself routinely irritable? Take a ‘Vow of Yellibacy’ where you make a family commitment to always speak in a respectful tone to one another. Whenever you are not respectful in your words or tone, devise a [hand] signal that everyone in the family can use to call you to order. Then, as soon as you notice your tone, just STOP and start over. Of course, if you’re irritable every day, that’s a sign that you need to change something in your life. I encourage you to get whatever support you need to do that. You deserve to feel good. And your children deserve the best of you, not what’s left of you.

 

 

 

Summary:

Children learn so much from you — how to manage themselves, how to empathize, and how to ask for what they need in a respectful way. Children are able to sense when you’re disconnected and stressed, and they act out. When they do, your hug will reel them back to their best selves. As they watch you deal with your emotions and theirs], they will do less of screeching and pushing than usual.

 

 

 

 

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Five Simple Resolutions That’ll Make You a Better Parent This Year

Five Simple Resolutions That’ll Make You a Better Parent This Year

by | Jan 6, 2023 | Adolescence, Parenting

 

“TBOG…My new year’s resolution is to be a more patient mom. But when I told my thirteen-year-old, she [and my entire family] reminded me that I had made the same resolution last year. It punctured my resolve and guilt set in. I feel like a failure, even though somewhere in my heart I know I’ve become a better mother over the past year.”

— Salem

 

Many people stopped making New Year’s Resolutions a long time ago because they realized that they end up making the same resolutions year in and year out! But the fact that this happens does not in any way mean that you’re a failure. If anything, it shows how human you are. How willing you are to be better than you were. It means that you’re moving in the right direction and you’re willing to keep “becoming” until you “are”. But it also means that you’re not perfect. Yep! You’re not perfect. Fortunately, no one is.

 

Unfortunately, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you that you will not be perfect either this year. The good news is, you don’t have to be! Your children do not need perfection from you their parents. What they need are parents who are empathetic to their imperfections and love them all the same. Your children need you to model kindness and respect, and you both [i.e. your children and yourself] should not be afraid to apologize and reconnect when things go wrong, as they will inevitably do.

 

This is no mean feat. You’ll have to master the art of regulating your own emotions. It is why it’s tough to work to resolve to stay “patient”. By the time you’re cautioning yourself to be patient, you’re most likely already in a “fight or flight” stance. But if you do want to become a more patient parent and a joyful individual irrespective of what comes your way, it is possible. To create a home that is less drama-filled and full of love, here are five simple resolutions you can do right now. These tips are lifelong tools so you won’t be perfect in a year and that’s OK. You’re likely to make the same resolutions next year and that’s OK too. Here’s one thing I can guarantee though, you’ll be a more tranquil parent with a cheerful and cooperative child.

 

 

1. Become more in touch with your emotions by resolving to regulate them.

With the hustle and bustle of life and the everyday demands of parenting, it is so easy to get caught up in the ‘automation’ of behaviour that we forget to pause just to check how we’re doing — spirit, soul and body. The only way to become better and more patient this year is to be in touch with your emotions. Using the S.T.O.P. Principle [here’s a free eBook that can shed more light] as a strategy, you can become more self-aware.

 

If you want to be an emotionally generous parent then you have to constantly stay in touch with your emotions. The more stressors you’re able to eliminate, the more in tune with your emotions you can be. You can begin by making self-nurturing a daily habit: have a steady sleep routine so that you’re well rested in the morning, eat healthy so that you have adequate energy to run your day, replace negative inner thoughts and critics with positive affirmations, be kind to yourself even when you make mistakes, and don’t overwork yourself, it’s OK to take breaks. When you reduce the risk of being grumpy by eliminating or reducing stress inducers to the barest minimum, you’ll stand a better chance and regulating your emotions.

 

Every time you successfully restrain yourself from throwing a “tantrum” in response to your children’s tantrums, you rewire your brain. I can assure you that it may be the hardest thing you’ll ever do but you’ll be surprised at how possible it is and how rewarding it is. When you give in to the “fight or flight” nature that comes with impatience, you will see your child as the enemy whereas they’re not. As long as you can refrain from taking any form of action when angry, you’re doing a great job at regulating your emotions. Here’s one hint I’ll leave with you — regulating your emotions is the best way to get your child to “change” their behaviour.

 

 

2. Don’t give up on your child. Resolve to love them forever.

There is one singular truth about child development — they thrive when they feel loved and cherished. I have watched children who were written off, bounce back and even become better when they were placed in an atmosphere of unconditional love and they FEEL loved. There’s a difference between curating an atmosphere of love and communicating that love accurately to your child. I grew up thinking that my dad hated me. Imagine my shock when decades later, I realized that I was perhaps his favourite child! An irony, right? But that’s the little mistake we could make that could jeopardize our child’s wholesomeness. His methods of parenting made me feel that I was hated. As soon as I was able to leave home, I did not hesitate to do so and I had no idea that he was hurt by my actions.

 

Again and again, I have noticed how we as parents communicate our love in the best way we know how but unfortunately gets misinterpreted by those we love. It’s hurtful and that’s why I had to create a course that helped parents see a better way to resolve this challenge. Every child is uniquely created, so using a general approach for each child to feel safe, seen and valued might be counterproductive. Your natural disposition might be the best method for one child yet the worst for your other child. The tough work for us as parents is accepting who our child is –  baggage and all – yet still loving them for that individuality and uniqueness they bring to the fore while guiding and correcting bad behaviour. The simple secret to doing this is to see life through their lens. When I designed the course – ENGAGING THE WORLD OF ADOLESCENCE – it was to bring hope to parents who struggled to understand their adolescents and were fast losing them. It is possible to bond effectively with your child even the seemingly “troublesome” one.

 

3. Commit to staying emotionally connected.

Your ability to connect before you correct will stand you out as a parent. This is primarily because children are more inclined to allow themselves to get led by you when they feel a connection to you. “Because I said so!” used to be the trick word to get children to obey instructions but with the evolving culture around us, those words are only bound to trigger one thing –  rebellion. Of course, staying connected at all times is quite impossible. There will be moments of disconnect but when those separations happen, you’ll have to repeatedly reconnect.

 

“I want to spend quality time with my kids this year” was a statement a client mentioned as her goal for the year. That’s a huge feat and children love to be able to spend time with their parents. It’s an opportunity for bonding. The problem with that statement though is that “quality time” equates “teaching” in our minds. Spending quality time is somewhat like, “I want to have time to supervise their assignments, make sure they get their chores done and just basically be around, should they need me” in the minds of many parents and while these things are cool, that’s not quality time. Quality time is about connecting and engaging. It’s unstructured. You hug your child every morning and whenever you say goodbye, telling them how much you love them. When you get reunited, you give them your undivided attention for some time (say 20 minutes) when they unburden and tell you about their day. You get to laugh, play, empathize, and share thoughts, ideas, and memories.

 

Dinner time is another opportunity to spend quality time with your child. You can pause your work (if you work from home) or your chores, put your phone on silent to avoid distractions, and take your eyes off your computer to give your undivided attention. You can eat dinner together without screens and do a whole lot of listening. You’ll discover that 20 minutes may not even be enough time. When you’re truly connected, you’ll both want to please each other and put your needs above yourselves. This is quite a feat for adolescents because they tend to be quite selfish and it’s understandable because of their phase of life. But modelling this to your adolescent, showing them respect, attention and love will have them mirroring your behaviour back to you in no time.  You’ll both get to enjoy each other’s company and an emotional bond is built and strengthened. Leadership is not difficult when you do this. Even if your child disagrees with your instructions, it becomes easy to disagree in an atmosphere of love.

 

 4. Respect must be modelled at all times.

As parents, we kind of feel that “we know what’s best” for our children. And we’re not wrong about that because we do know what’s best for them. It’s just that we’re also not right about that because they also know what’s best for them — at least what they think is best for them. This is usually where power struggles come in, especially with parents of adolescents. You should realize that parenting is a partnership and until you realize at all times that the privilege of parenting is only possible because your child is willing to be parented by you, you might have constant ‘fights’. How do you deal with partnerships? Respect! We must learn to respect our children. We must show them consideration. We must remember that we are their first models and our behaviour is likely to be emulated. So, when you speak condescendingly to your child, by the time they’re old enough to take back the reigns of power from you, they’ll treat you in the same condescending manner. To raise children who are respectful, kind and generous to others (not only yourself), you must live that kind of life. If you cannot manage your emotions, especially your outbursts when you’re angry, you don’t expect your child to learn to deal with theirs. It’ll be unfair for you to lash out when you like but punish them for doing the same.

As adults, we still struggle to manage our emotions, why do we expect our children who have had little to no practice to suddenly manage theirs and then get upset when they fail to? Here are some mantras to help you manage anger:

  • “She is acting like a child because she is a child”
  • “I am the role model.”
  • “If I understand his perspective, it’ll help me know why he did what he did”
  • “Don’t take this personally”
  • “This too shall pass”

 

5. Investigate your child’s behaviour to find out what needs and feelings are driving it.

Some time ago, I trained some parents on the topic — defiance is just a cry for help — and it was humbling to see how understanding and remorse dawned on their faces. We have gotten so used to the word “misbehaviour” as inappropriate behaviour but what do we mean when we say that our child has misbehaved? Many times, it simply means that our child has deviated from the expected behaviour we preferred for them. A friend of mine shared a story that I think is appropriate for this point. A little girl of about 5 years old, went into the garage with a nail to scratch her dad’s expensive car. Her dad had just purchased the car through a loan and was going to spend an arm and a leg just to pay it back. His insurance had not even been effected yet so the car just sat in the garage. When he returned home, he noticed his daughter extremely excited to see him, holding a nail in her hands with paint marks on them that looked suspiciously similar to his car’s. He realized that the garage door wasn’t shut and he ran to his car while observing his daughter’s toothy grin. He couldn’t contain the rage he felt as he saw his damaged car. Scratches and dents were all over it, one could not help but notice the destruction that sat in his garage. In his fury, he hit his little girl so badly that she fell and hit her head and was rushed to the hospital. When he eventually got home, he realized that the scratches had a pattern. What his daughter had written was, “Daddy, I love you so much”. He burst into tears.

 

While that story showed the “destruction” his daughter caused, she intended to let her dad know how much he meant to her. Children are like that. They process things simply and do not understand choices and consequences as complex as adults do. When a child defies or misbehaves, they many times are not doing so out of spite. It is the only way they understand to process complex emotions. You have to help identify what needs are not being met or what big emotions they cannot handle rather than classify them as misbehaving children. Defiance is a cry for help and misbehaviour is a red flag that screams, “I need help to process my emotions”. This is one place where your ability to connect with your child deeply will help you know when to redirect preemptively rather than punish and to set limits empathically. The most important time to let your connection with your child flow is when they act out.

 

Summary:

I should give you fair warning though. You’ll make mistakes. Your child will too. But that’s OK. There are no perfect parents anywhere in the world. There are no perfect children too neither are there perfect families. Perfection is a journey we all must walk. It is not a destination. Despite the mistakes you’re guaranteed to make when you create an atmosphere of love, everyone will thrive. Love means when you make mistakes, you own up to them and make amends. The only way to improve your resolution for the year is to make daily choices that take you in the direction you wish. Build a club for moms if you have to so that you can all hold yourselves accountable. 2023 can be for you a year of constant correction, forgiving yourself when you slip up and getting back on track when life throws you off. So, don’t feel troubled if you’re making the same resolutions year in and year out. It only means that you’re deliberate about growth and you’re choosing over and over to take positive steps in the right direction. You’ll be surprised at how much growth you’ll accomplish and how far you’ll go. Your resolutions can make you parent with less drama and more love. Don’t give up!

 

If these resolutions sound too humongous, that just means you need more support. Have you thought of taking my self-paced Online Course, which gives you a wealth of resources to transform your family? Giving yourself support is not selfish. It’s the best gift you could give yourself and your family. Thank you for all the hard work you do, every day, in your home. I’m honoured to accompany you on your parenting journey, and I look forward to supporting you in making 2023 the best year yet for you and your family. May the New Year shower blessings on you and your family.

Five Simple Resolutions That'll Make You a Better Parent This Year

Five Simple Resolutions That’ll Make You a Better Parent This Year